HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE PAIN?

I often find myself asking the same question: how would you describe the pain? It’s a question I have been asking myself a lot more recently. I never know how to word how it feels but I try to give it a go, just to see how it would sound when I finally drag myself back to a doctor. Actually, it’s even I’m not too scare to go back to the doctors.

It’s a simultaneously a stabbing pain and a bursting pain.

It’s like something is burning inside.

It feels like my lower back is being pulled down.

It’s like heavy weights on my hips.

Sometimes joints go numb.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been crushed.

Sometimes it feels like my hips are being ripped apart.

And most of the time it’s all of the above at the same time.

There’s a lot of time that I spend trying to understand how it can feel like that all at once. There’s some answers, I think I have, and then there’s some I still question. I know I need to go back for help but it’s becoming harder and harder to put myself through all of this again. So many years have already passed trying to get some answers and be heard and I don’t have the energy to bring myself to go through it all again - it was exhausting enough waiting six months for an emergency ultrasound. I’m also just scared to not be taken seriously, even if I have every single piece of document available from the last few years alone.

I just know it’s difficult but I feel difficult and invisible.

Scanned Journal Entry. (August 2023)