MEDICAL MENOPAUSE AND FEELING LIGHTER.

It’s now 2025, I have not long started my fifth month of the Prostap injection for “medical menopause” but I have felt like a new person in these last few months. Physically and mentally, I am drastically different to how I was a year ago and it is hard to believe.

I remember joking to my friend after I started the Prostap injections and jokingly said “what if the menopause helps me mentally?” It was a quick comment but, as I go into my fifth month, I am in a much better headspace than I was. This is more of an observation: I’ve had less flare-ups, I’ve been more active, the pain is still there but much more manageable and I haven’t been as drained when I’ve had full days out. All of this does have a huge impact on the way I am mentally as well, I mean it’s quite remarkable to say that this time period has been the most “normal” that I have felt in about nine years. That’s also quite scary to admit. The main symptom of the menopause that I have actually noticed is the hot flushes - and quite frankly I would much rather be sweating for a short period of time than having a fever because the pain has become that bad. Of course, this isn’t for everyone but for me personally it has been the better option.

The injections aren’t the only thing that has been helping me though, they have played a big roll still but it is more than that. I spent the first half of 2024 clinging on to life, barely surviving because I was just holding on to the hope of the better in people. Have you ever held on to something so hard that you just lose yourself and it kills your soul? I think I just became a shell, lost colour in my face and cloudy eyes. I know that I cried a lot and felt anxious all of the time. For someone with a chronic illness, you would think that I would find it easier to remove the things adding to my flare-ups but it’s never that simple. Then it was made simple for me. I could let go and it felt like I lost half of my weight and I could suddenly breathe again.

This freedom allowed for a clearer head and I could focus on what I needed to do again. It made the decision for starting these injections a lot easier because I could look clearly at the pros and cons and not be distracted. Life started feeling brighter and I could go out, not feel the strains that I used to and then not be completely drained for days afterwards. I could reconnect with people and realise life is better than I was shown…why was I waiting for something that was never going to happen? I felt happier and more confident within myself and I was forgetting how I was made to feel for so long. There were many moments of realisation for me, to the point of laughing hysterically at the way I was letting people destroy me.

Then there’s the right place at the right time moment. The surprising introduction that quite literally changes your life to the point of realising that life makes sense. A short amount of time feels like a lifetime in the best way. People close to me commented on how I’m the best that I’ve ever looked and that my soul is lighter. These are things I used to laugh at but it hits home now. All of this, whilst I’m putting my body through some pretty drastic interventions. There’s a newfound support, I’m not lonely and I’m not fighting alone. I feel safe for the first time ever.

It’s difficult for me to have to look back at the past year, for many reasons. I know that I have to look back for the sake of my work but I am also in a place where I can do that and not breakdown over it all again. All because the last half of 2024 turned into some of the happiest times that I’ve had in life and I can focus on how that is my life now and not how I was at the start of 2024. There’s still pain and flare-ups for me, that has never fully gone but these life changes have made a big difference. I’ll still take the hot flushes over the stabbing pain and flare-ups. I know it’s temporary and I’m still unsure how much longer I can have these injections for but the difference is knowing that I’m in safe hands when I do have flare-ups.

30/12/24 Polaroid self-portrait - ending 2024 the happiest version of me.