HOW CHRONIC ILLNESSES CHANGE RELATIONSHIPS.

What’s more difficult with having to come to terms with having (a) chronic illness(es)?  People who, you thought were close to, won’t come to terms with you being chronically ill. This applies for both physical and mental health.

I think about this all of the time, in my overthinking anxiety ridden ways that are then amplified by the fact that I’m not well. If people knew you before you became ill, most fixate on the fact that you were healthier and things were easier. You also fixate on how you were before everything changed. When it all kicked off for me, I was starting my first year on my BA Fine Art course at a university I was at before I completed my BA where I am currently doing my Master’s degree. I lost people I thought were friends because I could no longer go out, I was in bed by 8pm (sometimes earlier) because the exhaustion and nausea was that bad. There was not much I could do other than be in bed and try not to vomit. That was the first batch of relationships I had lost because of being unwell.

When I changed universities to complete my BA, my health got worse. In and out of hospital like that random suitcase that’s always left on the conveyer belt at airports. I’d gone from just the fun rollercoaster if chronic widespread pain (Fibromyalgia) to also experiencing severe abdominal pain, drastic changes with periods, sex became one of the most painful things ever, getting a gynaecological exam was a nightmare and then all of that impacting my mental health - all whilst thinking how I could get the old, healthy, me back (don’t do that, it makes everything fucking worse when you should be learning to adapt to these life changes). Intimate relationships are then affected because of your physical and mental health. What people then throw at you is “well if you have sex more then it’ll become less painful.” IT SHOULD NOT BE PAINFUL TO BEGIN WITH. There’s no becoming less painful with anything, your pain tolerance increases…it increases a fucking lot. The sigmoidoscopy (you know, the camera test that goes through your bowels) was less painful than sex…now that’s not right, is it?

Not only does your physical health impact any relationships you have but your mental health changes relationships. You get brain fog a lot, you can’t focus on much and you daze out regularly. When you get brain fog, you get forgetful. The past couple of years, I’ve been ridiculously forgetful but some people don’t recognise that you forget easy things through these problems and then they throw it in your face and it’s all on you and yo are the bad person. Yet again, you are the bad person and all because you are ill. You ruin plans because you’ve forgotten, you’ve had a sudden flare up or you need to leave early because your body is screaming at you. There’s been many times where a flare has hit me whilst I’ve been out doing other things. I left a photographic shoot once, a flare hit me so hard (when the gynaecological bullshit started) and I didn’t even make it home - I was admitted into hospital for a few days. Thrilling, right? As all this happens you then constantly think about how things would be if you hadn’t become ill and where you would be. You then start thinking about how you are not good enough for any sort of relationship and everyone would be better off not having the burden of your existence in your life. Everything becomes pretty dark and you’ve numbed yourself that much because you won’t accept that you are not the same person so others start thinking the same. Friendships are thrown out of the window, all these relationships end because you are made to feel like you aren’t good enough anymore so why even bother?

The biggest thing to change how my relationships were was when I actually learned to accept the fact that I was a different version of myself and that I needed to acknowledge that I needed to change how I saw myself. I focused on myself for a change and realise that life is different for me compared to four years. I still had people in my life helping me through it all and new friendships formed because I knew what was no longer good for me to be around. Apologising. I still apologise for being unwell, when I have flares etc, even though I know that there’s no need to with those I’m close with but I still do. It can’t be helped but there’s too many reasons as to why I do that to be arsed to write here. I go into any form of relationship with someone now with “this is how I am, don’t bother with me if you have an issue with this.” I’ve spoken with so many people with chronic illnesses whom have all gone through that dark patch but it takes time for people to realise these things and I definitely know it’s not easy. Life shit happens, people change and the relationships you have change. That’s how it is but acknowledging and learning that is a massive step.