THE SEASON OF BAD FLARE-UPS.

I’ve been quiet and less productive for the last few months. We go in to the colder weather and my body struggles more and it’s usually just a mentally difficult tie of year for me. I’m sure I’m not alone in this for both aspects but it is still really deflating and frustrating to experience.

The last few months I’ve just experienced one crappy thing after another, which hasn’t helped my mentally. The cold weather, however, has really affected my body and the pain that I have been experiencing. My hips and lower back have been suffering immensely as the cold weather season hit the UK, making it very difficult for me to move about and walk properly. I get so far until the pain in my lower back suddenly hits and makes my legs want to give way. It’s like an immense pressure rushing down whilst also feeling like someone has just stabbed me in the back and left the knife twisted in it. My periods returning hasn’t helped this pain. Now my abdominal pain has been worsening, making emptying my bladder and my bowels even more painful. I’m still waiting to hear back from the hospital about dates for surgery (who knows when because the world has been on hold for two years nearly and there’s a massive backlog for…everything really). Oh, I can’t even properly track my periods. They’re just fucking coming and going whenever which just makes it all even more stressful for me. I’ve got to go back for my cervical screening in the next couple of months as well…2022 is the year of everything gynaecological  for me then.

It’s not just the pain getting worse that’s kept me quiet and not-so-productive. My mental health has been a bag of shit during this time. I just want to sleep all of the time, I’m finding it very difficult to find the motivation to get out of bed in the mornings. Then the motivation struggles continue, I end up staring at the piles of work and reading that I have and all of a sudden it’s night time again. I then feel shit for not doing work or only doing a small amount of work (a vicious cycle that is continuing currently). It’ like the world is very difficult for me right now, like there’s not really anything out there for me to look forward to. This isn’t helped by the ever growing backlogs for hospital appointments so you’re stuck there wondering how much longer you have to wait to try and get help about your condition(s) and try and get some form of pain management going again. It feels pretty fucking lonely being in this state at the moment. It’s also really difficult to try and explain it to someone. I’m just not sure how to describe it all at the moment. 

It feels like all I’ve been doing for the past few months is sighing, sleeping and curling up in pain.