IT’S NEVER REALLY OVER.

The thing is, with chronic illnesses, it’s never really over. No matter how many years you spend finding the best management strategies for you health, they can suddenly change over night and you’re back to square one. It really is never-ending. 

It’s clear that I’ve neglected writing in this journal for a few months. It’s either been finishing up my Mater’s degree or everything hitting me one thing after another. If it’s not my physical health, it’s my mental health. Now we are in to the cold months and that makes my physical health worse. Really, I have felt as though I’ve been ran over several times. Now my body needs new ways of pain management as what was helping previously  isn’t cutting it anymore. It’s not like there is much help available plus the pandemic has somehow meant ignoring most chronically ill patients. That’s a whole other rant of the government treating the healthcare system like a bag of shit.

For the past five months, I’ve been dealing with periods returning after over two years without them. That puts my body through even more pain and worsened the issues I was having with my bowels and bladder. The lack of accessing help just means shoulders are shrugged at you and you’re just left there to try and deal with it. That’s a lot of discomfort, crying, pain, and going to the toilet several hundred times because you are in pain going or you’re in a state of urgency. This then worsens the pain and pressure I get in my lower back and hips. Moving is difficult, I just want to cry. When I’m out, I have to try and hold back tears and screaming “I can’t do this’ll fear of ruining the day. Being stuck with limited options that can even slightly ease the pain is exhausting. It feels like I’ve gone back to the start of all the pain occurring and unsure what was going on or what to do. 

It’s beyond frustrating that you can spend years figuring out the best way to mange your conditions and then, overnight, it does fuck all and you’re at the beginning of your management strategy again. I’m so fucking tired of being back to the unknown because it’s taken so long to be able to function in life again and then it becomes difficult again. 

Flare-Up. Trying to manage pain and discomfort.