TRYING TO ACCEPT MY BODY FOR CONSTANTLY CHANGING.

I think everyone can connect with experiencing self-image and body issues. Adapting to your body, which constantly changes, is really fucking difficult.

Whilst away in Germany, for work, this week, I was in my hotel room when I had noticed my reflection - I’m still self-conscious post-laparoscopy. My abdomen is still slightly bruised and the incision points are still very red as they are still fully healing. I’m now exactly 3 stone heavier than I was this time last year, so it’s all really been getting to me. I know that the weight gain is healthier and it does help me look healthier than I was but the drastic change has really played on my mind. I’ve just become even more aware of my body and the little things others say about my body (not necessarily anything bad, occasionally something someone says really gets to me, just as soon as something about me is pointed out recently I just want to hide).

Last year I started to become happier with the way I looked, which then helped with the weight gain I needed, but it took so long to get to that point of me feeling happier within my body. Now, after my last laparoscopy, it’s been difficult to snap out of that negative headspace in terms with the way that I look - which is actually rather ridiculous when laparoscopy’s only leave little marks on your abdomen. It’s just become difficult to snap myself out of it, even when part of me can still be logical about it all and understand the reasons, as well as the positives, that come with everything my body has gone through and it still going through. There’s just so much that can affect your body, even without chronic physical health problems. I think that we tend to forget out body goes through a lot and shows us signs about our mental and physical health that we don’t even notice until long afterwards. Also the joys of hormones will have an impact on your body, I always forget about that.

Who knows what else my body will have to go through in regards to my health but I know that being this weight is far better for me to be ready to deal with anything else further I will have to face and go through. I wish I could only listen to the logical part of my inner monologue that lists all the positives and reasons for all the changes rather than the other internal monologue that picks apart every aspect f myself and puts me in the pit of self-doubt and self-consciousness. 

Polaroid in my hotel bathroom in Germany.