WHEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU’RE MOVING BACKWARDS.

I’ve not written a blog post in three months. There’s been too much going on in that time and a lot of it has been very overwhelming and quite a lot to process in one go. I’ve also been struggling with my pain but also some very low moments where everything and anything seems like too much of a task for me. A lot has to do with my last clinic appointment that I had at the start of June and my cervical screening that I had just two weeks after my surgery. Neither appointment were good experiences.

Back in April, two weeks after my excision surgery, I had to go for my cervical screening. It’s not the best of experiences when you have endometriosis but it’s still essential to go. More so essential when you already have gynaecological health issues. It’s a routine screening so, whilst the nurse was there already, they wanted to check my coil. This is where I’m in all sorts of positions trying to find the right one to have my child checked less painfully. Skip to the nurse leaving the room and having to speak t my GP because, surprise surprise, my coil couldn’t be seen. I already had an issue with the fact my first gynaecology consultant cut the thread way too short when it was inserted (it was inserted during my first laparoscopy in 2019). This then meant that I would be needing a TV ultrasound to check my coil and then get the coil changed. There’s a reason I had it inserted during my first laparoscopy - it really fucking hurts me. I need to be sedated for that shit with my pain. So now it’s a waiting game for the ultrasound and seeing where the fuck this coil went.

The first day of June, I had my post-op clinic with my consultant. Obviously, I was very anxious about the appointment, especially as I don’t really remember everything that they had told me after the surgery because I was half asleep and very drugged up - why try and have a conversation at all? It was a very bizarre appointment, even to my standards. I was brought in to the room and was handed this double-sided sheet of A4 paper from the lab confirming my endometriosis and where it was removed from. Then the one-sided conversation just went straight to my options, which is more hormone treatment because I’m “not in a hurry to have kids.” That’s it. Then just some advice and pelvic floor therapy to do myself and to sort my hormone treatment out and then I was discharged. I honestly never felt so confused when leaving an appointment - and I’ve been told I’m just depressed at far too many appointments. I just walked out with this sheet of paper confirming that I’m not crazy, that something is physically wrong, but then sort of just abandoned at the same time with no further help. What?

Skip forward to now, July, and having moved house a month ago. I’m waiting to get a new GP which means waiting even longer for a scan to find out where my coil has gone on a wander to apparently, finding somewhere that will then change that for me in the least painful way for me possible and just having some sort of plan…or care even. It’s very stressful, I’m in a lot of pain and now I feel like I am back to where I was when all this health shit started. Feeling alone and isolated because no one seems to give a crap about my health and wellbeing. I’m starting to feel like it’s all in my head again and I can’t seem to stop thinking about how my health and well-being only matters if I want to bring a child into this world. Apparently my pain is only fucking valid if there’s another life involved. That’s how it feels. If I’mm not crazy then I’m just not a valid person in pain.