LOST IN MY OWN BODY.

As each week passes, I feel more and more lost within my own body. I’ve been trying my best to try and function most days and some days I’ve really pushed myself too far and it lead to hours of just crying. It’s a mix of pain, exhaustion and just really wishing I could just get on with things and not need days or weeks to recover.

You would think after several years of having chronic conditions, with a recent diagnosis, that I would have some understanding of my own body again. That is far from the case. Every day I wake up and I have no idea how my body is going to react to the day. I could be fine, I could be hunched over in pain or, the worst part, having to hold myself together to get through the day. Having to pretend that I am not physically hurting so much that I want to scream doesn’t help the case of feeling lost in my own body.

I recently expressed that my body has really been struggling recently, due to many reasons on top of each other, but it translated to someone else that I “get tired easily.” Oh, how I wish it was just getting tired easily. It made me feel like how I communicated how my body is struggling didn’t actually translate and I’m just an annoying person who tires easily. After that comment, it felt like the rest of the day I was just watching my life from outside of my body and not taking in anything that was happening. I’m not entirely sure what happened.

I keep looking in the mirror, trying to see if you can actually see what’s wrong. I don’t know why I keep doing that, I know it won’t show. Standing and staring. That’s what I do each morning now. Examining my reflection closely. Waiting.

Recently, I was asked when my body felt like my own.

About 6 years and 4 months.