7 MONTHS AND NO DIFFERENCE.

It’s been 7 months. It’s now been 7 months since my excision surgery and, to be honest, there hasn’t been any difference for me. I’ve been making excuses for not noticing any difference but I feel like the clock has ran out for the excuses now.

I was told the statistics and I could be in that percentage where patients don’t notice any pain difference after excision surgery. I could also keep believing that there’s something else causing that pain. It’s possible, after all, I’m still waiting for a scan 6 months after being told my coil was missing, but no one gives a fucking shit about that, do they? The only consolation I had was that it hadn’t been spotted during my surgery (it’s not that comforting being told it hadn’t pierced fully through any organs back in April). Maybe the surgery did help but only briefly? Maybe there are other issues flaring up? Maybe I’m just crazy and I’m not thinking those curative positive thoughts strangers keep telling me to do.

Flares of the horrific abdominal pain (particularly on my left side) come in waves. Recently it had left me struggling with eating much of anything - one meal a day was all I could manage due to the pain. Sharp pains would hit me any time I went to the bathroom. Sometimes it becomes so painful that it hurts to breathe. All I keep thinking is that I can’t go to anyone about it because they will either just say I need to live with it and manage it or I just won’t be believed - and that’s if I can actually see anyone about it.

Right now I just feel like I’m going through the motions, trying to ignore the pain or even questioning the pain. Sometimes I really do feel like I’m just crazy, it’s all in my head. I was told that for so long, even by people I thought cared about me, I sometimes still believe it. It’s just more waiting and more time being ignored. It’s never-ending. It’s exhausting. I just want to be taken seriously.