WHO HAS CONTROL?

The last several years have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, on top of trying to figure out who I am as an individual. In the last few years I have learnt more about what is wrong with my body, yet this hasn’t helped me understand myself any better as well as still struggling to understand my body. I learn something and then my body changes how it wants to flare itself up.

2020 confirmed the endometriosis and 2022 confirmed where the endometriosis was excised from and the extent of it. It’s now been 9 months since my excision surgery and now my pain is presenting worse than before the surgery. Every time I learn something more about endometriosis and how it affects my body, the more my body seems to suddenly change what triggers flare-ups. The depressing part was that I was hoping that my pain was because of my missing coil but that was found to be in the right place through an ultrasound last month. I couldn’t even pass the blame of the pain.

These flare-ups and the pain that stops me in my tracks seem to just take over my whole being. Everything becomes that much more difficult. Concentrating becomes too exhausting because you end up hunching over from the pain every few minutes and that’s if you can move around much, otherwise its concentrating whilst laying in a position that eases the pain that little bit. There’s bloating like you’re about to pop like a balloon and then the constant nausea from the pain. Then there’s the occasional passing out and throwing up from the pain.

There comes a point where you start wondering who is in control of your own body. When you’re trying to figure yourself out, whilst trying to figure out how something like endometriosis affects your being becomes a blur. Every time I figure something out, more things appear, it’s a constant 1 step forward and two steps backwards. Is it my being that’s in control of my body or has endometriosis taken the wheel?