“I THINK I AM FINALLY CLEAN.”

How long does it take for that self-acceptance to happen and how many times? How do you feel when that guilt which has been lingering for quite some time finally lifts and leaves you for good? How long did it take to close one of the doors to your past? 

The past 18 months have been a rollercoaster. A lot of self-acceptance has happened in regards to who I am and all things with my never-ending health journey. Being more and more comfortable with who I am as well as months of self-loathing and unsure of myself, my identity and where I fit in the world. I still don’t feel I fit in anywhere properly really and I’m just trying to learn that I can just make up my own category and just be who I am.

And that's okay.

There’s also this constant battle with myself learning to be happy with who I am - there’s still days where I struggle. There are still days of asking myself if I am good enough in my social and work life. I work hard constantly, on myself as well as on my work in general. A lot of guilt I had for so long has lifted (there’s still plenty I feel but one chunk has gone at least).

I think we forget that self-acceptance and letting go of guilt over something you can’t change or control takes time and can be a complicated process. We want to feel and change this instantly when, really, the process of healing has ups and downs.